Should Our Children Earn Their Food?
Those who are unwilling to work shall not eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10). This verse has intrigued and troubled me. It seems harsh. Should we really only share food with those who are willing to work? Well, I do observe a stubbornness in myself and my children that is sometimes only broken by the consequence of the loss of a privilege. Just the other day, one of my children was upset that we weren’t going to watch the movie he wanted on our family movie night. Subsequently, he was disrespectful to me, disobeyed a direct request, and sulked. I let him know that if he continued to act that way he would need to go to his room. I reminded him that he is welcome to eat our fun Friday night fast food (Chick-fil-A) and watch our movie if he would apologize and treat me well. He chose his room. His stubborn streak can run deep. We started up the movie and dug in to our nuggets and fries. As the smell wafted down the hallway, he eventually called out, “Can I try again?” His temporary loss of food broke through his stubborn resistance. The pull of hunger is a powerful force that can be harnessed for good. God uses this motivational tool with us humans. He releases blessings to us if we will be obedient and believe. His requirement calls us to be choose better than our natural inclination.
In addition to food being a leveraging tool to help elicit good behavior, there are further benefits to parents requiring effort in order to enjoy reward. Dr. Kelly Lambert is a researcher who works with lab rats (1). She has found that rats who have to work for their food have higher levels of dopamine, the feel good hormone, and they have better frustration tolerance than the rats who received free food. Similarly, when we humans have to work to earn the object of our desire, we tend to experience more satisfaction and character growth. When we allow our children to try, fail, and persevere they develop resiliency and more confidence and contentedness over time.
Research has shown that when we work with our hands to create a product (offscreen) it results in better neuroplasticity (brain health) and it decreases depression (1). Activities such as cooking, gardening, wood working, painting, and tinkering all produce these results.
Our culture and our advanced technology cater to instant gratification. Yet, anticipation in delayed gratification has been shown to produce more happiness and pleasure. A photographer explained that she chooses to use film rather than digital in part because of the pleasurable suspense in the wait! Can you remember that joy of finally opening up the packet of photos you picked up from the drug store and then pouring over the memories in the photos? We lose that process of suspense in our world of instant easy access.
When privileges, including food, are handed out without any effort required entitlement develops. Spoiled children tend to become spoiled adults. Parents, we have a great deal of power over this trajectory and I dare say responsibility for it.
So, what does this mean for families? I recommend that we take God’s expectation, backed up and explained by science, and put it to use in raising our children in the following steps:
Expect your children to earn some of their privileges, even their food.
You are welcome to eat with us (use your screen, eat that treat, etc.) when you are being kind, respectful, and obedient.
Expose your children to hands on hobbies, leveraging other pleasurable activities to increase their motivation to cooperate.
Allow delayed gratification.
If this has been helpful, please leave a comment and share.
Reference:
Winger, J., & Lambert, K. (2022). An Old Fashioned Remedy for Depression. https://youtu.be/gRKXvWDZgc0?si=IazjXy4Ix-RxuFzl
