Phubbing: How to Request Full Attention
After at least a week’s work of cleaning up your own phubbing, you can now more directly address your family member’s phone snubbing. If you followed the steps from the Phubbing blog (https://bit.ly/3FbwSQc), you have made several deposits in relationship with your own humility, confession, and effort to be more conscientious about your screen use while in your family’s presence. Keep up the good work. If you have felt rejected or ignored because of your family’s screen use consider taking the following steps:
Give credit for their praiseworthy screen use.
When we give about five statements of authentic praise for every critical statement our listener is better able to receive tough truth from us.
At a time that phubbing is not occurring let your family know that you enjoy being in their presence and you value the times they give you their full attention.
Your listener is less likely to be defensive if you address phubbing when it is not taking place.
Ask if you can have shared permission to let each other know when you need or want full attention, including being able to ask for a screen break so that full attention can be given. Together, identify the wording that works best. Giving a buffer warning helps. For instance, “Could I please have your full attention in a minute?”
This acknowledges that the problem is a shared issue rather than just their problem and that taking a minute to complete their current digital activity better allows them to set their screen aside. Demanding full attention immediately does not go over as well.
If they decline to give you that general permission, gently inquire why. Listen without further criticism. Let them know that they still have your permission to do so with you and your screen use. Ask if you can revisit your request in 2 weeks.
Your willingness to give what you are requesting makes it more likely that they will eventually cooperate with you.
Consider whether your own history of unhealthy screen use and your limited attention to them might have hardened their heart against your request. You may have more work to do to repair the emotional hurt you have caused.
We cannot force others’ to comply, but our own willingness to refine our screen use, along with gentle requests makes successful relationship more probable. These conversations can be tense and tempers can quickly rise. Consider that the way we parents are teaching our families to use screens will be carried into their future relationships. These difficult conversations are worth it.
If you practice these steps, let me know how it goes.
For more practical tips take a look at our book, Understanding and Loving Your Child in a Screen Saturated World, written with Steve Arterburn. https://amzn.to/3O10Vy7
