Compassion and Curiosity Before Condemnation
When I stand in judgment of another person and feel an aversion toward them or their behavior, it is a warning sign for me that I do not yet know enough about their story. I have the privilege of being allowed to dig in to people’s histories. As a psychologist, my clients allow me to ask the most personal and nosy of questions. On the New Life Live! radio show, callers permit us to pry. Understanding a person’s story of suffering usually dissolves the judgment and superiority of the listener. It allows us to arrive at a position of understanding at which we can say, “oh, no wonder you developed this coping mechanism that helped you to survive the agony you endured.” Everyone has stories of anguish as we live in such a painful broken world and we are all raised by flawed people.
I have found this process to be true most profoundly when I am allowed to hear the journey of folks in the LGBTQ+ community. As a Catholic growing up my view of homosexuality as an abomination was informed by the Bible (Leviticus 18:22), and generally upheld in the community. An abomination is something that produces disgust or hatred. Sexual behavior outside of the norm can produce a strongly negative reaction in believers and nonbelievers. It is healthy to have an aversion to immoral, unnatural, unhealthy, illegal, and hurtful behavior. Problematically, we can allow our aversion to one's behavior to become disgust of the person. And people are lost sheep blindly stumbling toward the edge. They need our compassion.
If your family member or a friend has revealed their LGBTQ+ identity, have you gotten curious and gently invited them to tell you about their journey? Your willingness or decision to do so will likely soften your judgment of them. I have yet to hear from someone who chose to be bisexual, homosexual, or transgender solely because it is cool, although some may do so. I have heard about the abuse, bullying, and taunting that children have gone through that left them hating their skin, their sex, their masculinity and femininity. I have heard about the children who were sexually molested by an opposite sex family member, resulting in their vow never to trust the opposite sex again. I have heard the stories of rejection by a same sex parent that left the child feeling so abandoned and unwanted in his or her own gender and finding comfort and acceptance by others when presenting a new gender and identity.
I can still default into looking at others’ sexual behavior with judgement and condemnation. But if I had been sexually abused by a male family member, maybe I would feel safer romantically loving a woman. If my femininity had been so maligned and rejected by my family and my peers, maybe I would find safety and comfort presenting as a man. And if you were only willing to hear my story, maybe I would feel safe enough to be in relationship with you. And perhaps, the God who knows all would be able to look with compassion and mercy on me and say, “Neither do I condemn you. But go and sin no more.”
God, please help us to give others’ the benefit of the doubt. Help us to give grace because we need it just as much as they do. Give us a supernatural supply of gentle curiosity that helps us to get past our superiority and rejection of others.
