Open Letter to a Harsh Christian Spouse
Dear Spouse,
I know you love God as I see your dedication to Him and our church. You taught our children about Him. Thank you.
I imagine you must be hurting and disappointed with so much suffering throughout your life. The kids have not appreciated your hard work. I have frustrated you and my withdrawal and silence might be confusing. If you ever want to speak about your pain in a quiet tone, I want to be a listener to you. I would also be willing for a therapist to help us.
I struggle to stay connected when your tone seems intense. I may be overly sensitive. But it doesn’t work for me when you express your agitation with a raised voice, name calling, and slamming the door. I don’t feel safe at those times. Alcohol seems to enhance the intensity.
In the past I have tried to ignore, placate, forgive, and forget. My body and heart need a new approach. I am choosing to respond differently. I am committed to God, you, and our marriage. But I am also going to speak up when I am upset. I will be asking you to stop. If you cannot or will not stop I will walk away. I much prefer we find a better way to talk through difficult topics without having to disconnect. I know you have declined my offer to enter therapy in the past. I will be attending therapy on my own to learn how to respond more effectively and take better care of myself.
If your intensity continues I will choose to withdraw further to safeguard my heart. I am not threatening nor considering divorce. I hope you will accept help so that we can reconnect safely. Please pray about and consider my requests.
Love,
Your Hurting Wife
Five Steps To Address Spouse’s Intensity
Acknowledge your spouse’s strengths with praise and gratitude.
Admit one of your own shortcomings.
Share briefly how your spouse’s hurtful behavior affects you using the format: I feel_____________ when you __________.
Request change.
If previous requests to change have been unsuccessful, politely state what you will do to protect yourself if the misbehavior continues.
Consider scaffolding boundaries, i.e. step away from the room, leave the home for a few hours, sleep in a different room, sleepover with other family, consider more extensive separation). Ideally, poor behavior changes because of a request or in response to low level boundaries. Unfortunately, some will not change until they lose enough to feel pain and the pain motivates their change.
If you need further support to implement these steps, consider trying one of my groups:
Parenting Group: The 2nd Saturday of each month at 8am PST. Space is limited. For more information and to reserve your seat: https://forms.gle/w6HHVrJFKhYocC7P6
Women’s Life Group: The 2nd and 4th Wednesday of each month at 5:15pm PST. Space is limited. For more information and to reserve your seat: https://forms.gle/3WZuAxdeX2N9XTch8
